S-Phi's Story

2009-04-07 : 8:33 p.m. : Fat Gum

8:33 p.m. - 2009-04-07
Fat Gum
Sorry I haven't been responding to some of your posts but I have been reading them and I hope all of you are doing well so far with the April challenge.

I know I fucked up mine this last weekend when my parents made me eat a whole bunch of Asian food.

Who am I kidding, no one makes me eat but my fat fat ass.

Anyway, I'm starting to think that my ED has taken a turn for the worse. I think it really takes a turn for the worse when you start to avoid the gum you substitute between meals to keep yourself from binging because you think the calories in gum and cough drops will make you fat. And taking fiber laxatives when there's no food in your stomach just because. And nothing comes out. And when you're wasting hours at a time napping because you want to dream about eating food and going online to look at pictures of food, planning how you can eat all of that and not gain weight.

Yes, that's me now.

Food Diary Day 2:

Breakfast: Ox tail meat (300 calories)
Lunch: Noodle soup (500 calories just to be safe)
Dinner: Meat pastry (400 calories)
Snack: 1 piece of gum + 5 cough drops (20 calories)
TOTAL: 1220 calories = epic fail.

Today is boost-my-metabolism day! Tomorrow, I'll plan this:

Breakfast: Tomato Soup (225 calories)
Lunch: 1 Taro cake (300 calories)
Dinner: Gum + 5 cough drops
After: drink!

8:33 p.m. - 2009-04-07
Fat Gum
Sorry I haven't been responding to some of your posts but I have been reading them and I hope all of you are doing well so far with the April challenge.

I know I fucked up mine this last weekend when my parents made me eat a whole bunch of Asian food.

Who am I kidding, no one makes me eat but my fat fat ass.

Anyway, I'm starting to think that my ED has taken a turn for the worse. I think it really takes a turn for the worse when you start to avoid the gum you substitute between meals to keep yourself from binging because you think the calories in gum and cough drops will make you fat. And taking fiber laxatives when there's no food in your stomach just because. And nothing comes out. And when you're wasting hours at a time napping because you want to dream about eating food and going online to look at pictures of food, planning how you can eat all of that and not gain weight.

Yes, that's me now.

Food Diary Day 2:

Breakfast: Ox tail meat (300 calories)
Lunch: Noodle soup (500 calories just to be safe)
Dinner: Meat pastry (400 calories)
Snack: 1 piece of gum + 5 cough drops (20 calories)
TOTAL: 1220 calories = epic fail.

Today is boost-my-metabolism day! Tomorrow, I'll plan this:

Breakfast: Tomato Soup (225 calories)
Lunch: 1 Taro cake (300 calories)
Dinner: Gum + 5 cough drops
After: drink!

11:37 p.m. - 2009-04-06
On a Short Note.
Forgot to add this:

When I had to go to the zoo last Thursday with my bio class, this guy somewhat friend of mine tried to flirt with me by grabbing me around my waist and asked if I could swim if he dropped me over the ledge into the pond.

I inwardly freaked out. But for totally different reasons.

One year ago, I would have freaked because he would have felt all the fat underneath my clothes.

When I felt his hands this time, they were on my ribs. Bone bone bone. I wondered what he was thinking if he actually felt it as much as I did. It hurt that he somewhat grabbed them, and I wonder if he noticed that too. Oh my gosh I hope he never says anything about it.

And the saddest thing is that one year ago, I would've felt violated.

Today, I'm just scared he might have found out my secret by doing that. I don't even care about being touched anymore. I just want to lose weight.

10:12 p.m. - 2009-04-06
Food Diary Day 1
JH told me that I lost weight again today and I told him no, it's because I'm wearing leggings that it looks like it. I seriously weigh the same now as I did a few weeks ago, you just weren't paying attention. When he said that, YO would not stop staring at my legs. I don't blame him. The other day when I went to the Chem lab bathroom to wash my hands, I saw my legs in the mirror and literally said 'woah' out loud of how skinny they looked. I was happy at first, but when I put my knees together, I decided, nope, not good enough, girl, keep going.

AA also said the same thing two days ago and asked me to raise my arms and look to the sides. No, AA, I still weigh the same, thanks for your concern.

I'm going to see a nutritionist on Thursday as a result of admitting I had an eating disorder to the nurse practitioner here. I have to take a 3-day food log so here's today's damage.

Breakfast: 1 laffy-taffy, 1 Bubble blowgum. (20 calories)

Lunch: Less than 1L of soybean milk and 1 Doldol candy. (560 calories)

Dinner: 1 BBQ pork bun, 1 piece of red sugar candy. (410 calories)

Total calories: 1000 calories? Sounds about right. It just doesn't feel like 1000 calories because I'm a chubby wubby.

5:48 p.m. - 2009-04-01
Brocolli Loves Me
At scalewars, there's a new April challenge for the month.

IT'S TIME TO GET MOTIVATED FOR THE APRIL CHALLENGE!
hello girls! you wanted to see a challenge based on points this month, so here we are! each participant must comment with their daily calorie/exercise goals for the month. follow the system above to learn how to calculate your points for the day. check-ins will be every SUNDAY. i will post an entry, all you need to do is comment with your total points for the week. to keep track during the week, i suggest starting a notepad document and just updating at the end of each day. during check-ins, you're not required to share any weight loss or gain if you don't want to. so, let's get this thing going, WHO'S IN?

This was my response.

I'm in! My two goals are going to be really simple to try and not stress myself out if that's OK.

1) Get to 95 lbs. I'm at 99 right now.
2) If I eat, just don't get full. When I'm at home, it's harder to control myself so limit my portions that it only takes up one plate or one bowl. The level of the food on that plate must be only 1 layer of food and I must be able to see the bottom of the plate or else I know I'm trying to take shortcuts and binge. Don't exceed 1000 calories ever.

One wonderful thing that happened to me today. Even though I starved myself through most of the day and felt I was going to collapse and said no no no to food, I caved in during dinner when eating with friends. I had a side of mashed potatoes and filled up the rest of my plate with brocolli.

And I didn't feel guilty at all.

It seems so weird to feel wonderful about that.

11:23 p.m. - 2009-03-31
They Know.
Saw the nurse practioner today. Apparently I was wrong. My highest weight was a massive 129, not 124. Now, I'm 100 with clothes on. I guess that's one thing to celebrate over.

I cried and everything. She wants me to go see a psychiatrist and a nutritionist and take a blood test. I said yes to the first two, nay to the blood test although I'll probably go to it next week if I miss psych.

I thought I was stronger than this but I'm not. It's OK, today was a good food day though. Had only 1 can of corn, 5 pieces of gum, and 2 doldols.

And AO called me to make sure everything was OK.

10:12 p.m. - 2009-03-27
Good and Bad
Bad news:
1. I did the trifecta of my ED yesterday. I restricted, binge/purged, and took 4 biscodyl laxative pills all in one day. That's actually a new record for me.
2. Clogged the toilet today, had it overflow, and had to clean it up lol.

Good news:
1. I've reached my lowest weight after 2 weeks of doing right and making some mistakes along the way. I'm now 98.2 lbs.
2. My BMI is 18. I'm officially underweight and if I can get through 3 more days of March, I would successfully have had my period only once in the past 7 months.

6:20 a.m. - 2009-03-26
Cow Bones
My ex-roommate and I crossed paths today and we were really happy to see each other until she said the one thing I didn't want to hear.

"Are you eating at all?"

I find it ironic when people ask me that question. That seems to happen on days where I binge like a mad cow. I ate so much that morning that you wouldn't even believe it and here she is asking me if I'm eating? Yes, I am. Too much. It's just because I'm wearing black leggings and in the past, I've always worn baggy baggy sweats.

But I'm really glad that when I looked in the mirror today, signs of my bone on my shoulder were showing. That's something I definitely did not see there before.

I think it's so scary that I used to think anorexics were psycho for wanting to look like skeletal figures.

Now, I have to see bones somewhere from my rib cage in order to feel somewhat worthy of even saying this.

6:37 p.m. - 2009-03-24
AO
For the first time ever, I confessed to my friend AO that I had an eating disorder and that I don't want treatment for it. I didn't feel better about this after telling her.

I'm an idiot. I've only had this for less than a year. I'm too fat to be anorexic. Too fat. Too too too fat.

I watched this British documentary called Dying To Be Anorexic. The girl that lives by herself...I can totally relate to her when she made that whole video diary of her progress. She's happy with her progress but like me, we both think we're still fat lards, fat asses, fat bitches, fat fat fat fat fat.

I want treatment to benefit me but I don't want the weight to come back. I'm trying to envision a reality where this won't bother me anymore because it's tiring and frustrating. I know my body wants to gain the weight back. Otherwise, I wouldn't be pulling gum out like every ten minutes to stop myself from really eating.

At least my bowel movements are going much better than they were before. It makes me sad that I have to live with this. I think I'll make an appointment to see someone on Friday for this. I want to be 93 lbs., but honestly, I want to be 93 lbs. and eat normally again and have a good healthy routine.

1:01 a.m. - 2009-03-23
Cry Over Food
I just called the Boystown National Hotline. The conversation lasted 21 minutes and 11 seconds.

I told her I have an eating disorder.

To hear myself say it out loud actually made me cry.

And I thought I was better than that.

10:35 p.m. - 2009-03-22
Lent Binge
So I've been telling a lot of people that I'm going on a raw vegan diet until Easter. I'm doing this for Lent. Therefore, I'm only allowing myself raw fruit, nuts, vegetables, and beans. However, I bent the rules a little by adding oatmeal because I'm in desparate need of fiber not to mention that I ate steamed potato today but very little of it.

It seems to be working somewhat because I've been binging today and all of yesterday and the gap between my thighs is getting wider. However, I look preggers so I'm not really sure what's going on here.

Hopefully when I get home this weekend and weigh myself, I can see double digits instead of the dreaded triple digits that I keep finding myself in.

And honestly, I still don't understand why my best guy friend still thinks it's OK to call me an anorexic and bulimic vegan, yet he's BOASTING to everyone how he isn't eat anything at all because he used up all of his dining hall money.

10:52 p.m. - 2009-03-18
500 Calories Actually Made My Day
I really wanted to die a couple hours ago because I felt so depressed. I recalled what I read in Crazy Makers, which is this book on how the food we eat really affects the chemical balances in our brain.

And this isn't the first time I wanted to just lie down and wish I could vanish. It seems to happen in extreme cases like this so I decided fuck it. I don't care how many times I'm going to scream about me gaining weight later.

So I ate 500 calories worth of cherry prunes and I felt much better and much more motivated to work. It was totally necessary.

I think food sometimes in these situations is the ultimate solution no matter the bodily fatty consequence. I want to feel good about the weight I'm losing but I was so sad just looking at myself and just didn't want to do anything.

So I did overshoot entirely for today but it doesn't matter. My mental state is much more important and I'd rather lose weight in the more slow and difficult route like this, than go really fast and risk getting caught and/or my mental health getting out of control.

So I guess I'm going to have to resume this diet of starvation some other time when I don't have a bunch of tests determining my future. I'll still keep to below 1000 calories but I'll definitely be much more healthy about this like I was before.

Oh well, Miss 99 Pounds. I guess you'll have to wait a little longer.

11:55 p.m. - 2009-03-16
Double Standard
I honestly would like to know why people like A.H. talk down to me about me not eating when people like him prance around and gloat and BRAG of how they didn't eat for 24 hours and I quote "ate no fruits over spring break".

Yet, if I even hint at missing a meal and not wanting to eat much in front of them, they explode with accusations of how I'm becoming anorexic.

So they may be right but why are they allowed to brag about how they didn't have any food for the whole day yet I'm actually eating in front of them and they accuse me of starving myself?

My 'friends' are such dumbass, accusing hypocrites.

9:43 p.m. - 2009-03-15
Thyroid Void
I forgot to mention, the nurse practitioner wanted to do a blood test on me to check on my thyroid and parathyroid glands. I wonder from that if she's going to figure out I lied bout my missed periods. She figured out there might be something wrong with my thyroid when she asked if I felt cold all the time while everyone else was comfortable.

I should've lied about that because damn was I scared to have them take my blood.

Now to make a food schedule for the next 2 weeks because I like doing stuff like that.

I really wonder though, if someone finally does figure it out, I wonder what I'll say. I have a feeling they're going to see a side of me that they never expected to see.

And I might...just might thank that person for saving me if they try hard enough. But am I really saved if the fat will come? Because fat will always stay, but being thin won't.

9:24 p.m. - 2009-03-15
Thoughts and Feelings
Now that spring break is over, I feel like a fat ass. No matter how hard I try, my body just wants to get fat. Whenever I write stuff like this, I feel almost unreal like it's not even me. So this spring break was bad in a sense that I think I ate too much. I saw a doctor on Friday because I wanted to know why I was so constipated all the time.

I've never lied to a doctor until that day because if I told the truth, shit would go down. The nurse practioner asked me when was the last time I got my period.

In reality I was thinking, 'oh I don't know really. I can't remember anymore. I remember getting one for two days in December. And the last one before that was in September.' So I made up a day that was consistent with how my periods were in the past. I can't believe today I'm working so hard to make sure that period doesn't come. The day that it does come, it proves that I was a fat ass.

So I lied about getting my period.

I lied as well about how many times I took laxatives. I said every other day in one dose. In reality, I pumped that stuff every time I ate more than a bowl of something. I would take a certain amount depending on how badly I felt I binged. The most I've ever taken was 6 which was twice the recommended dosage.

I had absolutely the worst thoughts of everyone around me especially my parents and especially my mom. Also, I felt completely obsessive about food over break. I threw away pieces of my favorite M'asian deserts without my parents knowing when I was about to binge on them, dropped food pretending to be clumsy, lying about what food I ate when there was none, taking laxatives almost after every meal to the point I had to go get more refills from Target, so yes, Miss Nurse, I have an eating disorder and part of me wished you discovered that. The other part of me is glad you didn't.

At least I didn't throw up any of my food. That has to be one accomplishment.

The thoughts in my head surrounding the food people ate around me just kept going. I felt a bit good a bit about though because when I went to Ross, there was something really satisfying about going into the tiniest section for Juniors and seeing that all of that stuff was too big for me. I couldn't do that back in high school. I was too fat for that.

I kept watching the way my friends ate. I kept watching the way my mom ate, my brother, and my date all ate. Especially my mom. The thoughts that kept going over and over in my head were wow what a cow, I wonder what it feels like to stuff yourself silly like that all the time. Don't you ever feel like such a fat ass? I wonder what it feels like to stuff myself like a fat ass all the time.

Oh wait, that's now.

And when I saw my friend A.E. finish only a 1/4 of her rice bowl when we hung out made me feel like a fucking pig when I devoured my entire bowl rice bowl.

Not to mention that my parents brought up their observations that the new coworker they hired eats and gets full after tiny tiny portions. They even remarked she ate less than me! Well, that can't be saying much since I eat like a fat ass. But I know what they're talking about and I wonder wow, why don't I have any control over myself. Why do I have to eat like a whale? Why do my legs and my ass and my endless rolls of backfat grow massively larger and larger and people can't see its massiveness?

They're just trying to be nice obviously.

I'm going to repeal from the laxative abuse though. I'm going to have to lie about it. I'm going to have to make a food schedule that will allow me to get back into the 90s region by the time I get back home next week.

At this point, shit, I don't care who notices anymore. I'm not eating. I got 60 pieces of gum, and I plan to only consume 100-120 calories a day. I will keep saying I'm not hungry. Because whales don't get hungry for a long time. It's pathetic how much I ate like I was going to hibernate or something.

But then part of me has died, you know. I can't even go to church and see my youth group because none of them are going to notice.

Once a fat ass always a fat ass.

9:22 p.m. - 2009-03-15
People Commenting On Weight
This was something that was posted on the Scale Wars community.

Veggiextales wrote:

Gah. One of my friends is, excuse the term, wannarexic. One week she bitched about her weight and refused to eat lunch at school. This past week and a half she has been eating pretty healthy lunches, but massive to me, like 400/500 calories. (One of the things that annoys me is that she counts her calories out loud and drastically underestimates.) Today, she was like "ohmann I'm so hungry! it must be because I worked out TWO HOURS LAST NIGHT."
uhh...thanks for sharing? I did too, but I didn't tell everyone. Maybe I should be worried about her, but it just seems like it's for attention. If you really hated how you looked, you wouldn't wear skirts all the time, skin-tight jeans, or bring everyone's attention to the fact that you gained/lost weight.

And on that note...later in lunch we were talking about a teacher who recently lost weight. One of my friends said she was going to ask how much weight he lost. I said it was rude, and then I received an outcry that it wasn't rude because it was saying that they lost weight. But I think it is because it points out that at a time you were fatter and more disgusting than you are now, and no one wants to hear that.
Any thoughts?

After school, I binged. After eating a pretty large lunch. I feel disgusting. I was really thinking about purging, but I'm glad I didn't go down that path again. Hopefully I'll be getting new pointe shoes today. I hope everyone's doing well!

Hungryvain88 replied: Don't think it's cool to ask... my teachers on the other hand talk about themselves all the time, so we don't need to initiate the topic.
Wannas are really dumb. But I'm was dumb enough I actually laughed when one said, "omg I am so on a diet right now, my snack is going to be so low cal, I'm gonna get an apple." and she started munching away. and when she heard me laugh she smiled and said hey and she threw it away (like she conquered something). It was amazing the speed she ate the apple.

On another topic. Maybe I'm mean, but it kinda gets on my nerves when fat people say you're hella skinny... I mean cmon, compared to you yeah. And it's out of the question.

X_Jazzhands replied: Unless someone expressed that they were trying to lose/gain weight and you know them, I don't think it's a good idea to comment on it. Just like it's dangerous to say "Congrats on your pregnancy!" or "How far along are you?" to a woman who might not actually be pregnant, you know? =P

Then again, some people love it when they get compliments on their weight. I think that, as eating-disordered people, we feel so differently about it.

10:55 a.m. - 2009-03-11
I don't care because even Miuccia Prada would want me to be happy =).
I'm going take your advice. Today, my goal is going to be eat normally without laxatives and counting every bite and calorie. I'm going to ignore the consequences of gaining weight and the feeling that my body is expanding whenever I eat. I'm going to keep repeating that I don't care and I'm going to swallow something without thinking if I should purge it or take X amount of laxatives.

If I can have my thoughts be consumed by how much by body is going to expand and gain weight from swallowing a piece of food, I can also have my thoughts be consumed by normal fun things like hanging out with my friends and loving the Prada handbag that my dad bought for me without thinking I don't deserve to be happy because I ate something.

10:45 a.m. - 2009-03-08
99.8
As of today, I've finally broken the triple digit region. I'm finally below 100 pounds.

99.8 lbs., size 0, and a BMI of 18.3. Wow, I never felt so accomplished about something to do with my physical appearance :).

It makes me feel worthy of touching that Prada bag. Almost.

My goal weight now is 94 lbs. But I hate being at 99.8 because now that I'm on spring break, I know that 99.8 won't hold up for long...

...unless I keep taking those laxatives like after every meal? I really don't want to.

1:15 p.m. - 2009-03-01
A List of Books
These are some of the books I want to get.

Wasted: A Memoir of Anorexia and Bulimia by Marya Hornbacher

The Cult of Thinness by Sharlene Nagy Hesse-Biber

Eating Disorders: Anatomy of a Social Epidemic by Richard Gordon

Yesterday after the show, my guy friend 'I' went with me to the student grocery store to get some food because gluttinous me wanted more food even after that outrageous package of Jamba Juice that I had to eat in front of my roommate who made fun of me again for not eating. That girl is not my friend.

'I' said to me that "you're really skinny. You lost a lot of weight." I didn't know how to reply so I said "No...I don't think so." And then he said "Your hands though, they look so bony." So I actually looked at them in front of him like I wasn't so sure. Really? Were they? So I just replied to him "I don't know. I just stop eating junk food really. Help me pick something out healthy to eat."

So I ended up getting the Healthy Choice, Chicken with Rice because the whole container was only 150 calories. I went back to my room, thought about eating it because I wanted tomorrow to have rice for breakfast but my insane rules got in the way. Eat the mints now, save the soup for tomorrow, and make the rice for breakfast something to look forward to on Monday.

Perfect. So this morning, all I had was 150 calories and then I'm looking forward to my regular meal in 6 hours :). Then I'll call it a day.

If I'm going to starve this way, I have to do it in moderation because otherwise I'll end up binging it all back over break (which might happen anyway, sigh). Or, I'll end up like A, who said this one thing that I can never ever forget every time I see him.

A: "I can't stand the feeling of not having a full stomach. I have to eat until I get that feeling all the time."

A, you have no idea that's how I was before. Actually, I can't remember if I was like that before. All I remember was stuffing myself in the face just like you. And then people made fun of my weight.

I wonder if the reason why my roommates both have boyfriends and I still don't have anyone at all after all this time is because I'm still the fattest and the biggest out of us three.

That'll give me something to work towards then.

1:14 p.m. - 2009-03-01
Reorganizing My Last 5 Entries

Actually posted on Feb 25, 2009 at 11:59PM called "Confusion"

Here's the problem, bitch. I can't be anorexic.

I'm too fat to be anorexic.

I gained 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks and they're harping on me for being anorexic. If they cared so much, wouldn't they try to stop me instead of spreading rumors about me (even if they are secretly true) and telling me so casually "no, you're not fat, you're anorexic."

And then I get even more confused responses from my other hyperskinny roommate. When I took her out a few days ago for her 21st birthday, she told me that she was 110 lbs. and oh goodness, this girl is NOT a 110 lbs. She literally looks like she's 80 but she's healthy and everything with a naturally small frame that I envy her to death for that.

But to make matters worse, the conversation went like this:

Me: Wow, you're 110? I thought you'd weigh a LOT less. You can't be 110.

Her: Really? How much do you weigh?

Me: I weigh less than that by quite a bit.

Her: Na-ah! You do not look less than 110 at all! There's no way you can be weighing less than me.

So in conclusion over the past 3 days, I get one hyperskinny roommate telling me that I'm a total fat ass, my two best guy friends telling me not to lose any more weight because I look like a stick and anymore I'd be a skeleton, and my other hyperskinny roommate telling everyone I'm taking laxatives because I'm anorexic.

I guess I should be thankful for Asian friends. Asians are the only people who would figure I have a problem and do everything except stop me.

Because secretly I'm hoping someone would care about me enough to want to stop me.

Actually posted on Feb 10, 2009 at 6:33PM called "Emotions"

In 200 words or less, tell me one person in your life you absolutely can't have find out about your ED.

For me, it'd be my dad. I know he cares about me so mcuh that it would truly truly break his heart if he knew how I lost 23 pounds. He thinks I'm just being healthy because when I go home, I show that I eat but when I go back to school, it's back to the drawing board of 600 or less calories per day. If my mom found out, I'd be sad too, but it would kill me if my dad knew that I threw up my food every time he'd take me to a restaurant I liked.

And I wish it was as simple as to just not throw up so I wouldn't be feeling so bad. But I can't help it.

From now on until Friday night, it's going to be just gum, water, tea, and diet soda. I want to see how long I can last.

Actually posted on Feb 4, 2009 at 4:50PM called "Tendencies"

Favorite Diet Food: apples
Favorite Binge Food: everything else
Favorite Exercise: running
Thinspo: tiny girls in real life

Where Do You Slip Up? anything can make me slip up. Especially if it's someone asking me to go grab dinner with them.
When Did It Start? June 2008
Does Anyone Know? No one in real life knows because I'm too fat to be starving.
Do You Want Help? Yes and No.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? If it's a good day, I'll make it to 500 or below.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Thunder thighs, beer belly, shoulder flab, arm flab, thigh flab.
Are You In A Relationship? Too fat to be in one.
Are You The Fat One Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? Definitely the fattest one.
Are You Depressed? Yeah sorta.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? No. I just go to sleep.
Ever Been To A Psychologist? Would never dream of it.

I AM -
[tendencies] anorexic
[tendencies] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself.

Actually posted on Jan 27, 2009 at 12:10AM called "Someone's Opinion"

"you know what? i like being ana. i like my lifestyle. i don't see it as a problem anymore. it's just a part of me.

i like my ana lifestyle. i don't waste money on food and i feel good for achieving a certain calorie limit. i'm happy with drinking diet soda all day. when i see people mounding food on their plate at the dining halls on campus, i feel disgusted and sorry for those people.

i don't see it as a problem at all. it a lifestyle that i have chosen for myself and i am proud of it. i am going to look good. society expects women to be skinny but the don't want them to have an eating disorder. i have tried dieting in a healthy way but trust me it does not work. but society still expects it. so i'm going to be skinny and have an eating disorder but i can hide my eating disorder. you can't hide being fat. so this is my lifestyle. i think it's justified."

I have to say I agree but at the same time feel sad about that.

11:49 p.m. - 2009-02-25
Confusion
One by one, they're all starting to say the same thing. Now my best guy friend said I looked borderline anorexic and that I'm like a twig. But it was brought up so casually...what am I suppose to do about it? How am I suppose to reply to that in an ordinary conversation? It was said so casually so how on earth do you expect me to reply to someone who says 'I think you're anorexic. But I'm a fatty, etc. etc...'? Not to mention that one of my hyperskinny roommates is telling everyone I've been taking laxatives, which is true. However, I like how she's using it as a rumor. She completely ignored the lie that I told her that it was for medical reasons (partly true) and instead, she's telling everyone I'm taking laxatives because I'm so "obviously anorexic".

Here's the problem, bitch. I can't be anorexic.

I'm too fat to be anorexic.

I gained 5 pounds in the last 2 weeks and they're harping on me for being anorexic. If they cared so much, wouldn't they try to stop me instead of spreading rumors about me (even if they are secretly true) and telling me so casually "no, you're not fat, you're anorexic."

And then I get even more confused responses from my other hyperskinny roommate. When I took her out a few days ago for her 21st birthday, she told me that she was 110 lbs. and oh goodness, this girl is NOT a 110 lbs. She literally looks like she's 80 but she's healthy and everything with a naturally small frame that I envy her to death for that.

But to make matters worse, the conversation went like this:

Me: Wow, you're 110? I thought you'd weigh a LOT less. You can't be 110.

Her: Really? How much do you weigh?

Me: I weigh less than that by quite a bit.

Her: Na-ah! You do not look less than 110 at all! There's no way you can be weighing less than me.

So in conclusion over the past 3 days, I get one hyperskinny roommate telling me that I'm a total fat ass, my two best guy friends telling me not to lose any more weight because I look like a stick and anymore I'd be a skeleton, and my other hyperskinny roommate telling everyone I'm taking laxatives because I'm anorexic.

I guess I should be thankful for Asian friends. Asians are the only people who would figure I have a problem and do everything except stop me.

Because secretly I'm hoping someone would care about me enough to want to stop me.

6:33 p.m. - 2009-02-10
Emotions
I just want to know...

In 200 words or less, tell me one person in your life you absolutely can't have find out about your ED.

For me, it'd be my dad. I know he cares about me so mcuh that it would truly truly break his heart if he knew how I lost 23 pounds. He thinks I'm just being healthy because when I go home, I show that I eat but when I go back to school, it's back to the drawing board of 600 or less calories per day. If my mom found out, I'd be sad too, but it would kill me if my dad knew that I threw up my food every time he'd take me to a restaurant I liked.

And I wish it was as simple as to just not throw up so I wouldn't be feeling so bad. But I can't help it.

From now on until Friday night, it's going to be just gum, water, tea, and diet soda. I want to see how long I can last.

4:50 p.m. - 2009-02-04
Tendencies
Dress Size: 4?
Highest Weight: 124
Lowest Weight: 101.8
Goal Weight: 93

Favorite Diet Food: apples
Favorite Binge Food: everything else
Favorite Exercise: running
Thinspo: tiny girls in real life

Where Do You Slip Up? anything can make me slip up. Especially if it's someone asking me to go grab dinner with them.
When Did It Start? June 2008
Does Anyone Know? No one in real life knows because I'm too fat to be starving.
Do You Want Help? Yes and No.
How Many Calories Do You Consume A Day? If it's a good day, I'll make it to 500 or below.
What Do You See When You Look In The Mirror? Thunder thighs, beer belly, shoulder flab, arm flab, thigh flab.
Are You In A Relationship? Too fat to be in one.
Are You The Fat One Or Thin One Out Of Your Friends? Definitely the fattest one.
Are You Depressed? Yeah sorta.
Ever Tried To Commit Suicide? No. I just go to sleep.
Ever Been To A Psychologist? Would never dream of it.

I AM -
[tendencies] anorexic
[tendencies] ednos
[] bulimic
[] living off diet pills
[x] hungry
[x] thirsty
[] drinking something
[] Under 100lbs
[x] starving yourself
[] participating in a fast

PEOPLE -
[] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[x] say I’m skinny
[x] say I’m ugly
[x] say I’m pretty
[] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic

I WISH -
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[x] I was under 100lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[x] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[x] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE -
[x] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[x] shaking
[x] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic/bulimic
[x] green tea
[] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

12:10 a.m. - 2009-01-27
Someone's Opinion
Posted by user shophiaseo90 in the proanorexia LJ community.

"you know what? i like being ana. i like my lifestyle. i don't see it as a problem anymore. it's just a part of me.

i like my ana lifestyle. i don't waste money on food and i feel good for achieving a certain calorie limit. i'm happy with drinking diet soda all day. when i see people mounding food on their plate at the dining halls on campus, i feel disgusted and sorry for those people.

i don't see it as a problem at all. it a lifestyle that i have chosen for myself and i am proud of it. i am going to look good. society expects women to be skinny but the don't want them to have an eating disorder. i have tried dieting in a healthy way but trust me it does not work. but society still expects it. so i'm going to be skinny and have an eating disorder but i can hide my eating disorder. you can't hide being fat. so this is my lifestyle. i think it's justified."

I have to say I agree but at the same time feel sad about that.

12:41 a.m. - 2009-01-26
102.
Sometimes I think I get these really bad thoughts. Like why I have an ED. I think either it's because I want to be a wannarexic so that I wouldn't be so obsessed with food...or if it's my ED has really warped my way of thinking to this extent.

I think there's something so tragically pretty about those with an eating disorder. Maybe it's how looking at hundreds and hundreds of pictures of delicate fragile frames of stick skinny girls has convinced me that beauty can be achieved in an eating disorder and that there's a promise that one day I can achieve that beauty I see in those pictures.

It's so sick I know.

I want to tell someone so badly that I have a problem. That the action of throwing up actually calms me down. I'm happy when I throw up my food. I don't do it much but when I eat too much, I find some sort of comfort in being able to purge it all out like I accomplished something great.

I want to tell someone so badly that I have a problem, but I don't want to give the people who suspect the satisfaction of being right. I don't know how many comments I've gotten about being anorexic. But the thing I'm most ashamed or confused about is that I feel too ashamed to admit to someone I have an ED because I feel to fat to really have one.

I feel like this is all I have left to keep me sane. I can fail at everything else but ss long as there's space between my thighs, I'm not a complete failure.

I prob had 1000 calories just for breakfast. Because of that, I stopped eating right after and haven't touched anything since. I hate food and just want to quit and start seeing bones now. It never ceases to amaze me how much fat my body can compress.

I want to be below 100 lbs. I want to be 90 lbs. Then I'll start eating somewhat normally again. I hope. Goodness who knows how hard it's going to be to overcome the 100 lb. plateau when I'm being arrested at 102 right now. 99 looks so far away.

4:13 p.m. - 2009-01-12
Back on track hopefully.
Yesterday:

8 carrots
10 celery sticks
1/8 of a cookie
6 slices of ooey gooey beef
LOTS of steamed oiled veggies

Total: ~800 cal.

Today:
Side of eggs
Side of rice
1 tablespoon of soy sauce
1 apple

Total: ~500 cal.

11:54 p.m. - 2009-01-10
Good Day
I think this is all strange. I feel like part of this whole losing weight / binging / purging to gain control has a lot to do with the food industry and the fake ingredients in all of the foods we eat =. Like, our greatgreatgreat ancestors never had to worry about gaining weight and they could eat everything and anything they wanted without worry because their food was so wholesome and nutritious for them. And today, there's too much of it, the food is so fake, and it upsets the real balance of how food was meant to be for us...that maybe these eating disorders we're getting is happening in response to the fake food. For some reason I wouldn't think that eating disorders wouldn't be an issue 500 years ago.

Besides that observation, I had a VERY good food day. I only had 15 bite-sized carrots :).

8:53 a.m. - 2009-01-10
A bit of a flop.
Messed up a bit yesterday but when I did the total, it should be fine. It should've confused the hell out of my metabolism which is always OK.

Yesterday:
1 small apple (55 cal)
1 cup of juice (120 cal just to be safe)
15 carrots (approx.?, about 40 cal)
2 bowls of rice
2 eggs
4 shrimp
2 caps of soy sauce (approx. 400 to be safe)
1 COOKIE UGH I couldn't come up with an excuse to say no because everyone ate one and I helped to make them. So stupid, I should have just left earlier. (100 cal)
Total: 715 cal

Today, I will just live off of liquids to the best of my ability. No solid food to make up for yesterday.

9:34 p.m. - 2009-01-08
Back in the game!
So after 2 1/2 weeks of straight-up binging, I had to admit I was losing the gap between my thighs.

Now that I'm back at school, it's back in the game.

Yesterday while I was at home:

1 ham/cheese omelette
1/2 hashbrown plate
1/2 bowl of rice

Today:
1 full dining hall cup of fruit punch (200cal?)
3 small apples (55 cal each so 165 total)
3 cups of ginseng tea (15 cal)
Total cal: 370 cal.

I'm a pig =(...

My fucking appetite won't stop bothering me. I hate the fat in my body and how badly it wants to plump up.

10:48 p.m. - 2008-12-28
ED doesn't take a vacation...
By some miracle of some sort, I've maintained my weight at 104 lbs. I haven't gained or lost anything. That scares me for some reason that I'm not improving and that I may fall behind any second. I feel bad about what I've eaten which is why I feel like I can't face anyone here or read anyone's entries. It'll remind me of my own failure =(.

So I went to Anthropologie because it's the only thing there that has any sorts of clothing that someone my age would possibly wear in a shopping town that has Talbots and J. Jill. I remember taking out the black jeans that were a size 25 and tried them on in the fitting room. I remembered how easily they fit and then taking them back out and holding it out in front of my brother who unconsciously said 'woah that's small'.

And I disagreed. What the fuck, for the first time in my entire life, I never thought a size 1 looked so big. What is wrong with me?? I remember one year ago, I would be so depressed trying on pants. I would avoid it no matter what because I couldn't fit into a size 5. I would have done anything to fit into 1's but my ED didn't click at that time.

I fit into a 1 now, and I've never felt so lost about how I feel about my weight or body image. All I see is stomach fat. Back fat. There needs to be more space in my thighs. It's not enough what the hell. There are girls on these LJ communities that weigh more than me but are TWICE as skinny as me, wtf, why do I have this body that just won't give up on the fat.

And then lunch came around. The restricting that I've practiced so well during the school year helped me somewhat. I accomplished my rule of eating the least at the table but you wouldn't believe the thought process that went through my mind the entire meal. Don't read this if this may be triggering but I feel like sharing what goes on through my head when everyone around me eats and I don't want to. I want to believe someone here thinks just like this...that I'm not alone yeah? So this is how my lunch went with my family:

---

Holy moley, why won't mom stop eating the bread they're serving us. She keeps asking for more and more and kept finishing whole loaves at a time. Dad and Brother chow down too, slapping on as much butter as they could. The butter was served in slices. My mom put one slice of butter for every bread slice and keeps going. They ask me why I'm not taking the bread. At first it's coincidence I'm not taking the bread. I'm focusing on what to order. But can't they tell by now? My mind keeps screaming don't do it don't do it don't do it. You can hold out. Save it for the fries. You haven't had fries in so long, right? Hold out for the fatty fries. Look at the menu. Focus on the menu. What the fuck why can't I decide what I want??

Mom: "Order the pasta linguini. Or the fettucini alfredo..it's the special for today!" (Oh nooo, forbidden food alert.)
Dad: "Get the 2-course meal with the clam chowder!" (No thanks, it's cream-based soup. I 'hate' clam chowder, remember?)
Mom: "Ask the guy for more bread! Here, I'm going to order the coconut shrimp soup. Do you want to order it too?" (No thanks, mom, anything coconut = forbidden food alert)

Three loaves of bread later (literally), I manage to take 1 slice of bread w/ no butter. I keep drinking water because I was thirsty and it was the only thing to distract myself. I keep repeating in my mind over and over. Chew it slowly, don't swallow it quickly. Make it last. Break up the bread. Make it look like you're eating more than that. Make up excuses why you can't eat fast enough. Your jaw hurts, your mouth is dry, you're saving your appetite for the main course. Keep drinking water. Focus on the water. Tell them you're just thirsty.

I time my eating of that 1 slice of bread properly. The guy takes forever to come back and take my order down. I order a sandwich because it comes with fries. Distract myself with Vogue--oh look skinny people everywhere! Keep looking, keep looking. Mom's on the 4th loaf now. The appetizers come and oh shit, the clam chowder looks so good.

I say no no no no no no to the coconut shrimp and the clam chowder.

My dish is the last to come. I envy everyone's dish except mine. Shit, I want to just eat everyone's dishes for them.

Mom: "Why is there so little noodles in my dish? SLURP-CHOMP-MUNCH. My dish is sooo good! Sooo good!" (Please shut up, please shut up.)
Dad: "Here, take my food." (Take the rice.)
Me: I don't want the calamari.
Dad: "Take the calamari steak.
Me: "I don't want it."
Me: Can we trade off your rice for my sandwich? Here's 1/2 my sandwich. MUNCH-CHOMP-on dad's rice, 2 squash slices, 1 zucchini slice, one slice of calamari steak, all the rice with some melted cheese in it-MUNCH-CHOMP.
Dad: "Here's the calamari steak, take more!"
Me: "I don't want the calamari steak."
Mom: You look like you can't finish your plate. Here let me help you. They didn't give me enough food. (-1/4 sandwich)
Brother: I'm not full yet. I want to order the Strawberry Cheesecake!

Now I only have 1/4 of a sandwich left and a bunch of fries. Slow down on the fries. SLOW THE FUCK DOWN. WHY ARE YOU PUTTING THE WHOLE THING IN YOUR MOUTH SO FAST. SLOW DOWN. You still have 9 huge pieces of fries left. The waiter is here. Stop the binge now. Hand him your dish and don't look. Now say how full you are.

Me: I'm full!

Cheesecake is served. Say no, look away, look at Anne Hathaway in front of you. Christy Turlington on W. Focus, focus, and marvel how fast Mom and Brother finish eating the cheesecake. Dad's not eating the cheesecake so you can't eat it either. You need that Yoplait yogurt later anyway and that's 170 calories. Just don't finish it. Eat halfway and say you're full. Throw it away. Good job. You did it but you're stuffed anyway. That's right, that tight feeling on your stomach? Good job, fat ass, and you're wondering why the stomach rolls aren't going away.

----

That's what's going through my head every single meal.

What scares me even more...what was I like before this ED mentality? What was I like? I can't remember anymore and I'm too scared to want to remember. Did I eat as much as my mom did? Shit, I can't remember what's normal eating anymore.

3:52 p.m. - 2008-12-20
Who'd Of Known
On Thursday, add a bowl of steamed carrots (100cal?), seaweed (10cal), and gum (20 cal).

Friday

I also weighed myself yesterday for the first time. I was 104. 2.

OMGGGGG O_O! This puts my BMI at a flat 19!! I made it under 20 WOW. I can't believe I was 124 months ago!

Also, I posted this over at the Feathers Community.

So, I want to post everything under 1 entry so I'm not becoming a post whore like I usually am lol.

1) So, I kind of got my period this week. I'm a bit confused. The problem was that was there wasn't much blood at all. I usually wear pantiliners and this time there was only splotches of blood. There was hardly ever enough to change my pantiliner.

I've been having light periods like this for the past few months but I've always had to change to a full-sized pad for a day or two. This is the first time I didn't even have to change a thin pantiliner at all. And the blood is dark brown too. Do any of you know what this means?

2) I was shopping at Forever 21 today, and a girl came up to me because she was confused about the sizes at Forever 21. And she asked me if I was a size 1 because the sizes are Forever 21 are like waist sizes and she wanted to know what a 1 was equivalent to. Omigosh, it really made me really happy that someone thought I looked like size 1 that she would ask me. If only I didn't have such a beer belly, backfat, and flabby butt that I would probably actually be a size 1.

3) I finally weighed myself for the first time since June 2008 when I came back from my trip to Asia. I like how much I weigh but I'm disappointed that it's taken me 6 months to lose the weight I did. I haven't reached to the goal I set back in August where I would be a size 0 by Christmas but I barely just fit a size 1 now but not without the stomach flab spilling over it. So now I can join the rest of you guys and put up my official stats, finally.

HW: 120s (somewhere in that range)
LW: 115
CW: 103.6 lbs. as of today
GW: 99
UGW: 93

4) Lastly, I just wanted to say that you guys are wonderful and amazing people. This is totally my opinion but I think this is the best ED-support community I know of. I know I shouldn't be talking shit about other communities but I've seen people deal with their ED in different ways. I feel like in other ED communities, they have unspoken rules on how you're suppose to treat it and when you go outside those accepted silent rules, then the member gets hella ridiculed for it because they don't share the same views on ED as the rest of them do. As if their way of seeing their ED is more significant or superior to others. If you don't get what I'm saying then it's fine, but I think it's hella jacked up to tell other people their way of seeing their ED is wrong or stupid because I think ED is wrong altogether and no one's way of seeing an ED is more correct than someone else's. And I see other people put each other down in other communities over simple questions that it's just ridiculous.

I just love how open this community is to everyone. Nearly every entry here is being read, given attention to, and support. I don't sense any unspoken rules that go on here and people here are just amazing. I can't explain how much posting here has given me relief and comfort. Thank you guys so much for having done this and continuing to do this. I hope one day that none of us will need to come here anymore. Until that day comes, I'm glad I'm contuining to learn more about all of you every day.

So as of today, I weigh 103.6. I'm determined to not go any higher than 105 this entire Christmas break. I refuse to go back to the person I was before.

When I told my parents last night about this, they were so shocked. My mom thinks that 114 should be acceptable but honestly for my body type and height, that would make me a chubby wubby. She also said that I was really chubby when I was in Malaysia.

GAH HOW DID I EVEN LIVE OR GO OUTSIDE or even be SEEN in public like that?? INSANE. I can't do that ever again.

Also, today when I went shopping at Forever 21, being thinner than I was before made me feel much better about myself. Being able to fit into size 25 jeans at Forever 21 really made my day.

2:27 p.m. - 2008-12-18
Just Updating My Food Journal
Tuesday:

Wednesday:

Today: